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why is this so hard?

I don’t know what to make of it… On one hand, its obvious she likes me.. She calls back, she flirts, she is just so nice to me. My stomach is full of butterflies everytime I ring her up. I know the boyfriend this is the reason, but I am just waiting for her to rip my guts out and tell me I can’t have her.

She never even gets near that and I can’t imagine if it comes to that how it would come about. She’s been so nice and had stayed clear of that so much that it is almost crazy to even bring the BF into the conversation. I know this one is gonna be in my life, whether she is my partner or my friend, but I can’t imagine how this is gonna play out.

I’m just sick to my stomach everytime I don’t see her and I know I should have options. Its just, this girl makes others look like garbage. I have never fallen for someone this hard especially when I can barely say I know her. I think we are both so nervous when each of us calls and it is up to me to get us out of it. I just wish she can help a guy out a little more and show more signs. The ones she’s given me are great but I don’t think we’ve made it across yet. I know its a little premature considering it has been two weeks since we talked and almost 3 wks since our lunch date..  I rather be in purgatory then be in this state of limbo. Although I know the answer I dread most if she tells me finally the newz of this guy, I can but help to imagine how great things were if things were the way I want it to be.. This will be a summer to remember, and I can’t even fathom how its gonna be in the fall. I’ve never been so paranoid and had so much ups and downs as I’ve had right now. I guess life goes on, but ya know, I know this is a critical juncture in mine.



Well.. it finally happened… I asked her out… via txt message. Probably not the most chilvarous but at least I threw it out there… I think it worked but I’m not sure how.. In any case, we are suppose to get together in the near future. One can only pray how this will go. I know 10 yrs from now, I’ll laugh at the whole situation but to be honest, I’m scared to death. I kinda wonder if a lot of other people would take the easy road and go for something not as daunting. I don’t know why I would take such a huge undertaking but I know I have to not think about it as much. For one thing, it will drive me crazy, but also, when I’m nervous, I’m not myself and it can turn the situation badly.

Here goes nothing…. or everything.. !!

I don’t get it…

Does it take this long to court someone?… I’m beginning to think I am waisting my time and youth on a dream… Frustration, but its like someone is waiving a bone in front of me and I think I’ll eventually get it.. It seems to be moving further & further away… It seems I set deadlines for any progress and it seems I keep missing my target. Every time, its like a pinprick in my heart and now I’m just feel like I’m beaten to death.. 

My friends seem like they are making fun of me rather than supporting me and as I try to laugh it off, part of me is hurting cuz I guess they don’t know how frustrating it is for me. Well.. I’m hoping for the best this holiday and dreading the worse. I can only pray and hope for the best.

Keep dreaming…

I keep thinking about that girl and talking with my friend paul today, I realize this is it. This is not only just a girl, but she will be the one I fantasize for years to come. No matter how many flaws I see in her later on, I still can’t shake the idea that her flaws will make me like her even mroe. I hate the idea of someone so perfect but to me, she really is..

First Post…

This is my first ever blog… I don’t plan to make it a trail of my life, but hopefully everything I put in here will track whats left of a pretty interesting life.

I have no idea what God has planned for me and no one has ever accused me of being the most optimistic person. Little do they know, I do have a lot to plan for.. I just need to learn to enjoy the ride and stop trying to over-achieve.